Two little things I wrote in my journal about this:

I sat down to write and all that would come out
Is a single tear in which no doubt
Heartaches without number were talked about
In that short journey within / without

*******

There have been too many sad winters in my life
I'm ready for more summers, falls & springs
I have not cried many tears through my sad winters
But they are there - frozen- like that season
When they do come I hope they bring
More summers, falls & springs

*******

It bothered me so badly early on in my process that I couldn't cry ... I was also afraid that when the tears did come I wouldn't be able to shut them off ... Finally they did come, and I found them to be quite helpful with the healing process ... I still have difficulty crying now, but not near as much as I used to.

I think sometimes we got so used to feeling like it didn't do any good and/or that we'd be darned if we'd let our abusers see that they could make us cry that we shut ourselves off from being able to do that. It's almost like we have to give ourselves permission to feel sadness and/or grieve for that helpless little kid we were.

Hope you're eventually able to tap into yours too and that you are also able to enjoy more summers, falls and springs because of it ... I know that I have.