I acted out again.


I’ve been anxious lately because I haven’t had a chance to see or talk to J and I’ve been feeling really disconnected. He agreed to see me for a bit on Saturday, but as usual just for one hour. It feels bad that he doesn’t want to spend more of his time with me. I was glad to see him but it didn’t really take away my anxiety. Fitting 3 weeks of my life into a one hour conversation didn’t feel fulfilling. I miss the days when I could see him at work all the time and give him a running commentary on my life. At the same time, he does turn down invitations from his other friends too so I don't think it's just me.

That night I went out with some other coworkers and when one of them said that they had spoken to J on the phone during the week it really set me off. I wanted to be his go-to person. When I get really upset I send crazy texts. I sent him one saying how ***** I am and that I don’t even know why I’m alive. He wasn’t happy of course. He said to never send him a text like that again, and that he’s tired of always having to tell me that yes he is my friend. Then he apparently felt bad and sent another one saying that yes he is my friend and that the thoughts in my head aren’t real so I shouldn’t listen to them, and that I should try and enjoy my night out. That was really nice and it did a good job of diffusing me. But I’m going to end up pushing him away more if I keep doing this.

I wonder if there’s just something about him that attracts people with low self-esteem, because I’m not the only one who has this kind of jealousy and desire for approval for him. Two of my male coworkers also get really hurt if J goes out without them or something. Maybe it’s the classic dependent personality chasing after avoidant personality phenomenon.

I also wonder if someow I'm looking for negative attention. Maybe that's the self destructive side of BPD. I feel bad about myself but instead of self-harming I find someone to get mad at me? Or maybe I'm looking for discipline because I never got any discipline or boundaries from my parents.

I have trouble with seeing only what I'm missing and not all the things I do have. Or on the flipside I can only see the good things that other people have and not what maybe they're missing too. I just don't know how to feel ok when I don't have someone who makes me feel like I'm their number one.