Sammi, hi

Just reading your post, i really feel i can connect with that, i know exactly what you are feeling, and i also know how exhausting it can be.

depression makes us unhappy, then it makes us feel guilt for being down. it is by no means our fault, at all. you will see that soon enough, no doubt, but just keep on going. take the days once at a time, dont think about tomorrow, nor yesterday. just focus on giving your body what it needs, ie food and sleep. these are the vital elements your body needs in order to continue fighting depression. you dont have to call anyone when you are down, you will only call them and ask for help when you want it, but i believe your body knows you and YOU alone am capable to fight this. you are strong, sammi. and there will be lows.

the people around you that care for you and who you care for will understand that you maybe need to do this alone. sometimes we need a shoulder to cry on, a friend. but other times we need to do it alone. and trust me, you are not hurting anyone by being the way you are. you need to focus on how you feel and how to help yourself, and try not to think or worry about the effects on anyone else. if they love and care for you they wont mind, and if they do mind, well they are not important to someone as special as you. i was the same as you a little while ago, still am some days. i get snappy and i feel so low that when people talk to me i switch off and just sit there in a daze and completely forget they are talking to me. they must notice, but the ones close to me know that sometimes i will do this, and its when im down. so they stay out of my way and give me the only thing i need, space.

you are doing well sammi, you are bound to have draw-backs when you feel sad and unhappy, but in time these will pass and you be able to feel happy and enthusiastic. just keep your body and mind nourished with the important things as i said before. but also try to do something regularly that you enjoy, such as reading or running, or swimming, or listening to music, anything. as long as you enjoy it, and spend about an hour a day doing it. this will provide the strength your body needs, along with the fuel (food) and rest. but most of all, accept what you are going through and surrender to it, admit that you are really unhappy, and fall into it. you are safe, and sometimes submission is the only key. i'll get days when things are going so badly for me that i just say "oh i give up, i cant be bothered" and sure enough eventually they work themselves out. now obviously it isnt as straight forward as that, but the point is you have to accept the feelings, and know that it isnt your fault. the fact that you are depressed in the first place is out of your control, but you do have control over how you deal with it and how you live the rest of your life. and i know you can do it, i can see how special and gifted you are, and i know deep in my heart that you will see this through.

just take care of yourself and take it day by day, nothing more, nothing less.

speak soon

simon