Perna- That has occurred to me and I think that is what hurts the most. Over the years while we were writing his messages became fewer and fewer. He insisted it was because he was busy and didn't have the time and I worked hard to believe that. As i had another sleepless night last night I finally listed to that nagging voice that has been in the back of my mind all of this time. I realized he did not write me off because of his wife, he did it because he is done dealing with me.

There was a point early on in our relationship where he was trying to get in my pants and he suggested we open e-mail accounts our spouses did not know about and i refused, telling him I will not sneak around behind my husbands back and we would keep in contact they way were. It showed me the lack of commitment to his wife he had, yet he tossed our friendship aside.

riotgrrl- I think I got the wrong message across by calling it my "deepest darkest secrets". My husband knows all of it, but doesn't like to discuss it and when I do he gets very angry with my family and is very cold, sometimes rude, when we get together. It was nice to have someone to talk to who is not involved in my life who could give me an outside point of view and has been there in very similar situation.

Also, where my husband had no problem with me emailing my friend, he absolutely does not want me to see a therapist. He thinks they are a waste of time and money and doesn't understand the need.

I also do have real-life friends aside from my internet therapist, but I do not like talking to them about this stuff because they aren't there. They don't have mental health issues, they don't get it.

And the reason his wife put an end to it- she multiple affairs with the same guy and thinks it's unfair that she is not allowed to talk to him anymore, yet her husband gets to e-mail me. He explained it's different because he and I have no sexual relationship and keep boundaries, but that wasn't good enough for her.