Hi all, new to the forum. I'm having an issue that’s causing me extreme anxiety and depression. I found that sometimes actually writing it out helps, so any advice/comments/what-have-you are welcomed. The only person I've talked with about this issue is my father.

This issue is over 6 years old and has to do with a girl I used to date in college - her name is Becca. Becca was great, albeit it was college and our perspective of what a relationship should "be" was slightly immature but I loved her, and her me. We were together for almost two years before I started feeling antsy and I broke up with her, mostly because I was going to study abroad for a year and she had already graduated - we were in a long-distance relationship for the better part of a year before I ended things. I wanted to meet other people and not feel as tied down. She was crushed, but got over it and after a period of time we actually ended up talking via phone every other month or so. Our relationship was never "broken," and so it was easy to stay in touch, but thats where we left it. We attempted try and rekindle things once or twice but our living/working situations were never ideal, especially when she moved to Asia to teach English on a three year contract. I figured we would stay friends, and we did...to a point. Read on.

At this point I was just about to graduate and ended up seeing another girl - her name is Jane - and we stayed together after graduation. We ended up moving to the city together, both got jobs and thats where we've been ever since (currently, we've been dating just north of 3 years). We do not live together yet. My time with Jane has had a lot of ups and downs, theres been instances where we've both almost ended things but always managed to work things out as best we could. When the relationship is good, its great. When its not-so-good, its terrible. She drives me crazy sometimes but has been a great support system and I can always rely on her. We're both into the same things - mostly action sports (skiing, rock climbing, hiking, mountain biking) which is great because not a lot of my other friends do that stuff. I get along fantastically with her family, and she with mine. We have the same "friend" group. On the surface we're the perfect couple. Lately we've been getting the "so when are you too gonna tie the knot" spiel.

This is all well and good, except...I'm bored. I rarely "look forward" to seeing Jane. Our relationship isn't stale, in fact she is very happy with "us" at the moment. I'm very good at putting up a front if it means avoiding a confrontation. She keeps dropping hints at marriage and moving in together and I'm...well...indifferent to all of that. It doesn't make me excited. I feel I should want to move in and get married to the girl I love (and I do love her). Marriage to Jane would be the smart move, the one that would be expected of me and us. I just don't feel the need or desire to. I have also cheated on Jane, once. I'm not proud of this and will not go into details other than the fact it was a instance where I was fully knowledgable about my actions (i.e. I wasn't drunk/stoned/etc). It was during one of our low periods and I was in a mental state where I didn't really care about what I did. Jane does not know about this cheating instance.

Now for the complicated part. Becca (Remember? the first girl? Coming full circle here...) and I have kept in touch over the years, Skyping occasionally every few months. Normally its just a chat to say hi and see how each other is doing. Except this past Thursday, we had a chat that turned into a full-blown 3 hour emotional rollercoaster. It all started with an "I miss you" which sparked a confession from both of us how much we missed one another. And this is true - like I said before our relationship was never bad while we were dating. She's always been a "question mark" in the back of my mind all these years. I know I still love her and I've never been able to let her go. In fact, I know that I've kept part of my emotions removed from my relationship with Jane because of Becca. Becca has always had a piece of my heart.

And now...Becca is planning on moving back from Asia within the next 6 months. I stupidly agreed that I would end things with Jane so we could try again. And now...I'm not so sure. I'm worried this is just a massive, 6 year stretch of the "grass is always greener" syndrome with Becca. I'm going crazy and have been fighting periods of deep depression over the last few days. I spoke with my father about the situation and while he has not directly stated it, I know he wants me to stay with Jane. He brought up the fact that I would be breaking up with not only her, but her family and the 3 years we've grown together.

What do I want? I don't really know. I'm caught in between these two girls and I'm losing massive amounts of sleep over it. I want the cake and to eat it too. I need to make a decision. Either way I go, someone is getting hurt.

Thanks for listening, if you've read all of this. While advice would be appreciated, those of you who have been in similar situations and would be willing to share your situations...please feel free.

I know posting anonymously in a forum such as this sometimes invites more aggressive responses. Don't hold back - I can take it. In fact, I promise I will respond to anything you have to say. Thank you for reading.