Today is another set back. Finally, after two and a half years apart, I have the strength to send him his box of cards and letters that somehow ended up in my things when the movers packed us. I also found a necklace from his childhood, and a thumb drive (with the aforementioned pictures on it). In the letters is the last card his grandfather ever sent him. It's not easy to send on these tangible reminders. I've warned him about the thumb drive's contents. His reply was "oh." It wasn't easy for me to see those photos. It wasn't easy for my husband either. I think my husband prefers to pretend that there was no life before him, which is alternately understandable and disturbing.

When I think over the reasons for my ex wanting to surrender his rights, I get upset and frustrated. I want him to be a part of our son's life and I can't understand why he seems to want to "throw the baby out with the bathwater", both literally and figuratively. Part of me understands that it might be hard for him to see our son... I know some days it's alternately difficult and joyful watching my son look more and more like his father. I don't know why I am filled with such a sense of regret. He was emotionally abusive, I lost part of me during the marriage. I have been in therapy, but not since the divorce. I started therapy about a year before we separated. My therapist suspected he might be a narcissist. I'm not entirely sure, but who knows?

I do know that it feels nice to be consistently taking the high road here lately. It seems to have settled him down, too. I just wish he could/would be an involved father,placing our son's needs above his own. Our son really deserves that. He's innocent in all of this.