... Call for desperate measures.

This may sound effed up. I really just dont care. I am on day two with no drinking and no eating. I am checking to see if I have any survival instincts at all. It should kick in. If not, then I know I am beyond repair. I dont want to go through this anymore. Im so done riding out every down. I need a reason. Something besides guilt to keep me going through the motions. Everyones got a survival instinct right. How bad do I wanna live is the question. Maybe if this works I will force myself to believe that I want to live. And if I don't. Well maybe my 10 year wish will have been granted. I just wanna know. I wanna feel some will to go on. Ive been surviving on guilt. "I couldnt put my family through that." <--- Thats whats been getting me through. Day to day everyday. Call me selfish, but that sucks. Its the only thing holding me back. I want a reason. I need a reason. Something inside that I can build on. Im so miserable all the time. Even in the ups I am just waiting for the next down. This stupid roller coaster from hell that I cant get off of. Im tired. Tired of trying. I need to know if there is any part of me, some subconscious part of me that wants to go on. Any sort of drive. I feel nothing. I feel empty. Just so tired.