it sounds like things are really difficult for you right now. i remember living life that way for many years, but something kept me going. was it survival instinct? must have been. after finding the right meds, life is good now. i have everything i want and need. it is unbelievable the difference. had i known, i would have given up my resistance to meds and got on them sooner. are you on meds? do you have a t? sounds like you could really use some support right now. can you ask someone for help? is there anybody you trust? there is light at the end of the tunnel. i know. ive been there. you can find it too.