Its so awful going through the downs. The magnitude can rock you to the core and just leave apathy, emptiness, and/or relentless sorrow festering about. I just went through my worst period and I know what you mean about almost just wanting to test IF there is a will to survive. Right now you may be so far down that you need some help coming back up. can you call your therapist, or a trusted friend? I am sorry you are feeling this way.