The start of the weekend was very hard. There was the start of a life plan beginning to form, where I thought maybe... just maybe I could climb out of this exceedingly deep hole I'm in. Then this seemingly insurmountable obstacle comes up, regarding the plan (something to do with college admission.)

I just felt like I crashed back to the bottom of the hole... so hard... that I didn't want to get back up. Just the worst type of morbid thoughts. Right at the end of the weekend I got revised information that it was probably going to be okay, and the plan was still a possibility. It was a bit elating.

I'm not bipolar. I'm not borderline. I'm not even used to mood swings. This is just exhausting.

Today, I had a bit of an epiphany; everything, for me, comes back to trust. Its my most fundamental issue, of myself and of others.

I think that's incredibly common here (how many posts at their heart, are just about... how do I trust myself/T/others?)

We just cope in different ways. I cope by trying to control (and/or know enough about a situation,) and if that's not possible, to avoid. Having neither of those options, and I simply melt the hell down.

Welp. 10 days to therapy. Time is cruel. I'm pretty okay today.