Quote:
Originally Posted by mixedup_emotions
*** MAY TRIGGER - Funeral/Death ***
Feeling really sad tonight....
I just left my friend's FIL's viewing. Funerals are so hard for me because it brings back so many things from my dad's death that I've avoided. I haven't gone through all of the stages of grief and haven't really let myself...so when I go to funerals, it really stirs that pot.
My friend and I were talking with a group of people, and someone asked how her husband was handling it (He and I are also friends.). She said, "Not so good. I mean, I don't think he's handling it in a healthy way. He reminds me of YOU!"....and she pointed to me and then said, "Remember how you would listen to your dad's voice on your answering machine over and over and over again? He's doing the same thing - in a panic saying that he can't ever forget his dad's voice."....My heart just broke into a million pieces. 
I feel so awful for him. And I feel so awful for me....being reminded of that time sucks, although I should be over it by now, it's been 6 years. |
Hi, I am new here, so I am sorry if this is an out of place comment, but I was worried by some of your comments.
You say you haven't gone through all the stages of grief.
It is really important that you know there is not a right way to grieve, and that the stages of grief really aren't stages. You can feel any of them at any time or stage, and it is entirely appropriate to feel that way. You don't have to pass through them in any order or fel each of them at all, and you don't have to "move on".
There is no "closure", but feelings will fade in time and you will learn to deal with them, but you can be quite justified in feeling strongly about a loss many years later. The feelings of grief will never fade completely, and they will come and go.
Why should you be over it by now? Losing your father is a major thing, and you still grieve for your him. Feeling these things strongly again when someone else is going through it is normal.
What is being "over it"? To me it sounds like a dismissive way of talking about something so important. I think that the friend you were talking with would have phrased it in a less hurtful way if they said, "I am worried about him. He is very sad and seems to be dwelling on a fear of forgetting his father." Perhaps offering to keep the recording somehow, or reminiscing about how his father sounded, some of his turns of phrase, the tone of his voice, would have been more helpful.
To say they don't think his way of handling it is healthy, like yours, is to judge the way he is grieving, and to judge the way you are grieving too. To judge assumes there is a right way, and a wrong way.
If you can acknowledge your grief rather than worry about it, it will be less stressful for you.