I, even now, when I'm in a fairly stable situation... can't say with total accuracy that I'm alive because I have a strong will to live.

I'm alive because I set myself various goals and rules that I have to accomplish and follow first. I just happen to have picked myself out some rather intensive goals (currently, I ran out of really productive ones so I'm going with "You don't think life is worth it? Well, you haven't experienced any way of what life is like in all the other countries in the world. So, you're just going to have to go and get a glimpse of EVERYWHERE before you can decide that it's alright to off yourself."

I wish myself luck in accomplishing this goal. And I wish myself a lot of money.

That goal, because I am honestly curious and stubborn enough to work towards accomplishing it, will keep me going through all my depressions. More so than the thought of my nieces and students, whom are also strong motivators for me.

I'd say, if you need something to keep going right now? Inform yourself that you're NOT going to stay the guinea pig in the meds-experiment. You are going to become SUPER guinea-pig who gets through the meds-experiment and ends up as a super-strong one. Go go super power fantasy! And then once you get through the med-debacle... hopefully then you will stable out more.

Just make sure you tell your pdoc EVERYTHING. I think most all of us are reallllllly good pretenders when it comes to our true emotions and thoughts, so make sure you force yourself into honesty. Good luck!!!!!