Got an e-mail from one of my children today that basically told me that I was such an unacceptable person, they did not want to have anything to do with me.

My own child that I raised, pour myself into, has rejected me.

She said she loves me, but she does not want any close contact with me.

I do not understand it. I didn't do anything to her. I was not fighting with her or hurting her. I just do not get it.

It is what it is, whether I can figure it or not. I just have to accept it. No one wants me except the child who wants to abuse me. She will take me in.

I am grateful I do not need to be taken in yet and I am still able to care for myself mostly. Thank God for that.

I really feel like giving up. Withdrawing even more than I have. Retreating from everyone, including family. But there is one member of my family that still needs me. It is not fair to him to give up on him. He is a preschooler and has no choice in how his life goes. He has no choice where he grows up or how. Don't I owe it to him to keep the bridges between my family open, as much as possible?

I don' t know. I am just so tired. I want to give up. No more BS please God. I can't take anymore pain. No more pain. How do I get there? What DBT skill is again that says pain is inevitable but suffering is a choice?

How do I just give up? Damned survival instinct! I hate me too. I dont blame my daughter for not wanting me in her life. I am a loser and a drain and a waste of space.

I have asked God to put me out of my and others misery for a long time now, but He doesn't.

If I were really that bad, wouldn't He just take me out, if I asked Him to??? I do not want o hurt anyone and I am tired of hurting. I can not take anymore today.

AND there is a good chance I will see the abusive daughter today. I cannot handle her today. I have trouble handling her on a good day.

I am emo vomiting again, and I would apologize for it, but I am trying not to apologize so often for things I need, like my children's respect and food and water and someone to listen.

I hate my life and I hate me.

Every time I think I am geting better, something happens to remind me of just how sick I am. How worthless I am. How I don't fit in anywhere. I don't belong here, in this society in this wordl, on this planet. I just dont.

"This world is not my home. I'm just apassing thru. My treasures are laid up somewhere beyond the blue. The angel beckon me from heaven's open door and I can''t fell a home in his world anymore." The only problem with that is I never felt at home here.