When I first arrived on my month long stay in Europe, I was so excited to be here and thought that everyone I met was the best thing ever and that I could tell them everything and I got reckless and too trusting and on the second night I got really drunk and opened up to two people about my past rapes. I feel like I made a fool of myself and can't go back. People are still friendly with me, but now I am CONVINCED that they dislike me and will dislike me more over time and I'm going to be here without any of my vices surrounded by people who hate me. Now these people who I thought were so cool seem lame in my eyes for judging me even though I have no evidence that they did. I am so ashamed and disgusted in myself. I never feel mildly embarrassed, but ashamed and wanting to punish myself Lately, I've been entertaining the thought of hurting myself, but I don't. I feel that it would maybe let me feel "punished" so I can go through my day without the excessive thoughts about how much I suck. I thought this trip would give me confidence and new friendships but I feel like I am stuck in the same cycle of impulsivity and happiness, then extreme self-hatred, anxiety, and depression. I can't keep going on like this. Its too painful and so, so hard to do but nobody can help me. I want to tell everyone to not judge me and tell everyone how hard this is and I don't know why. My T is not taking this seriously and most other people's advice is just don't do this or that, but I can't stop talking sometimes when I start and can't be anyone but me. This is getting so hard that life seems like it's something I can never do right. I just want to like myself and be happy and healthy. What can I do?

diagnosis: GAD, Panic, depression,