Thanks for all the advice. Never really tried to deal with it before. Just used to "self harm" through the downs. Been on here chronically reading posts. Anything to not feel so alone. I know she cares. She is a really amazing person. She makes me want to change, to be a better "happier" person. She cant handle me tho. The things that go through my head are too much for her to understand. It scares her. I cant talk to anyone about it. People get freaked out. She wants to be there for me. Im just really messed up. Still feeling the heavy down. Went to work today more as a distraction method. Was thinkin about calling in sick again. But I really dont wanna give myself the opportunity to sit here alone and think. But now that the day is done Im feeling the down a bunch. I am still feeling really sh**y about upsetting my friend last night. She wants me to try harder. She says something has got to change. I know that, but I dunno how I can promise that. I cant make any more promises I know I cant keep. I slipped up bad this past few days. I have no energy to do anything. Tired and ashamed.