Quote:
Originally Posted by GenCat
When she said "are you just swimming in it?" She meant it as if I want to stay without getting helped or helping myself... I assume she asked me so I would think about it. I know I don't want to be depressed but I sure as hell don't know a way out, hints why I'm in therapy, and I sure as hell hope I am not choosing to stay this way. Why would I? other than it is familiar to me and easier but I want to change, and I want to not be depressed!
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Every now and again, I will become aware that I feel very happy -- very free of the everyday sadness -- very free of the weight of depression. And when these glimpses of "happy", come to me, I feel so much better, and I love that feeling -- I have experienced it -- I have savored it -- I want it more than anything else to stay -- it does not feel unnatural - it is a comfortable and content feeling -- but it leaves as quickly as it comes, and the sadness is back. Last Tuesday night, I was able to ask DocJohn about this, and he suggested it could like a mood disorder, and, to perhaps keep a journal of when this happens.
So, if someone asked me, if I am choosing to be unhappy, I would say no, for I have had little glimmers of "happy" now and again -- it comes and goes, on its own -- nothing in my day is different -- nothing has caused it to appear or disappear -- it just does -- out of my control-- it comes -- it leaves
Oh, how I wish I could experience these glimmers of happy, more often and for a longer period of time. I have experienced being happy, I know my brain is capable of accomplishing being happy, but it will not stay.
I do not feel I am choosing to be unhappy, and right now, and for most of my life, I have been working so hard to accomplish just the opposite
So, I say to my brain, "please find a way to make these "glimmers of happy", stick around". I would be so grateful -- I would be so happy!
