i was never lazy nor unmotivated in high school. i always did my work, tried my best and worked hard; and got good results. i'm currently pursuing my second major after my first failed major. my first major was law. which i wanted to do and which my parents really wanted me to do and was most happy and proud that i was doing, especially my dad, a lawyer himself.

i passed the first year and progressed to my second year, which i failed. but i repeated it, and failed for the second time and felt discouraged and most upset. (it was challenging and i started to lose interest in it and having a passion for law and reading). after failing second year twice, i started to think that law wasn't for me and considering dropping law. but i was afraid to tell my parents. and they insisted i try it a third time. i did.... and they suggested i do it externally/ on my own since "i know the work and everything and made no sense attending school for that third attempt". but truth be told, since i was so unmotivated, lost all hope, gave up and found everything hopeless; i sort of became withdrawn and moody and i didn't study i just couldn't! (i never talked to anybody, but i always researched the way i used to feel from failing the second attempt to now - my moodiness, withdrawn nature, hopelessness and guilt, cutting, etc.... and found that i may possibly have dysthymia? but i don't believe in suffering from depression and always dismissed it because my parents wouldn't like that.) i never told my parents that though. but eventually, my parents decided that law isn't for me when the payment didn't got through, they took it "as sign" that law wasn't for me. and i switched to my second and current major, graphic design. but i'm still lazy and motivated. i know that i have to pass, i know that there're reasons why i must pass! and nothing motivates me :'( and it's really frustrating. i don't know how to get motivated. i don't know want to do. cutting myself as punishment don't help. it only helps to take away the self-hate and guilt that i feel. i mean, everything feels so hopeless, i'm old and don't have a degree. i feel like giving up on everything, because nothing will get better. it's like i'm stuck in one place and not moving and i just want to scream :'( what can i do? i need to study and pass, but i'm just lost.