I haven't been doing well lately. It's been affecting my work, and it's been showing physically. A couple coworkers have made comments that I'm not looking well or that I'm looking too skinny or sick or sad or tired.

I'm typically the last person at work. Today I was going through my normal closing shop routine, but out of nowhere another coworker was still there, and as I was walking past her cubicle, she said, "Hey, are you doing okay?" She's probably about 20 years older than me, and she's a very nice and giving person.

It came out of nowhere. I didn't know what to say. I've been very vulnerable lately. I instantly started shaking. I was going to reply with my usual, "Yeah, I'm good, how are you", but for some reason I said, "No. No I'm not doing okay." She told me that she could tell. She asked me if I was sad because my former coworker/friend left the company, and I told her yes. I told her that I didn't really have any other friends or family to hang out with.

She told me that she had already guessed that. She told me that she was sorry I was feeling so sad and that she understood...she understood that he had been my best friend and that I felt very alone. Tears started coming out of my eyes. She told me that I didn't have to feel so all alone and that she'd be there for me. I was shaking uncontrollably. I had to grab hold of the copy machine to steady myself.

She told me that I should believe that I'd see him again. She told me that I was a good person and that I should believe that some good things will happen to me and that I'll have real friends. She told me to keep going on and being myself and that I mattered.

At that point I was basically just in shock. I know I was shaking and that there were tears coming out of my eyes, but I don't know what else I was doing.

She told me that she had helped other coworkers through some difficult times, especially one that had been very depressed and lonely at times and felt like he wasn't accepted by anyone else (he left the company a few months ago, and I thought he was a good guy, and I was sad to see him go. I never had any idea he had been having issues like that).

She told me she would be there for me and that she cared about me and that a lot of other people cared about me too. Again I think I was still just in shock. She asked me to walk with her. I walked her out to her car just sort of chitchatting about holiday plans and such. I had none, but she was going on a great vacation. I thanked her for her kindness.

I was shaking uncontrollably all the way driving home. As soon as I got home, I collapsed on the floor and started sobbing uncontrollably for a few minutes. After that, I've been shaking a lot and have been having panic attack problems.

Cold temperature seems to help a bit. So it's extremely cold in here. I drank a couple cold beers to help calm my nerves too. I don't know what I'll be facing tomorrow at work. I tried for so long to hide my problems. Did they see through me all along? Was I just being an idiot by thinking I hid it so well? Or is it maybe just this one person that somehow sees through it all and wants to help?

I don't know. And now I don't want to go to sleep, because I don't want to face the horribleness of another morning. But it has to happen, so I guess I'll try to get to bed.