I suspect that the daughter who abuses me, who is angry with me now, has been bad mouthing me to the daughter who recently rejected me via e-mail. Of course, I have no proof of that. It is all suspicion on my part, but it is the only thing that fits.

I have 3 daughters and a son.

The abusive one, I will call A. The other one who lives locally I will call B and the one
who lives out of state who just rejected me I will call C. I will call my son D.

A does have a personality disorder. I believe she also has BPD. But her BPD manifests itself differently than mine. The more hurt I get, the more I withdraw and avoid. The more hurt she gets, the more abusive and cruel she gets. We both escalate our behavior, but the behavior we are escalating is very different. Our prime directives are different. Mine is to help as many people as I can and to hurt as few as I can. Hers is to hurt them before they can hurt her and if hey do hurt her, then hurt them worse.

B is in denial about some things and has a few of her own issues, even maybe a mild case of BPD, but maybe not. I saw signs when she was younger, early teens until mid twenties. But those signs seem to be gone.

C does not have BPD and finds our behavior ridiculously over the top. She is of the belief that we must be exaggerating our pain and playing on others sympathies. In other words, she thinks we are scamming her. C has seen my extreme behavior before. She has not seen much of A's as she moved out when A was 11.

I dunno. I guess I am just feeling sorry for myself again. I just can' take anymore pain. Why do people have to be hurtful to other people. I wish my whole family were dogs. Dogs find a way to get along. They are loyal and loving and have order in their life.

I just want to die. I hate my life, I hate the pain and I hate me.

My daughter A has actually told me in all seriousness that she is trying to get me to commit suicide. She has said this on more than one occasion. Several years ago, she let it slip that she had been trying to get me to kill myself for over 3 years. Then, recently she said it again, knowing I am depressed and struggling, she does cruel things o me o increase my pain and instability and she says to me, " You really should just commit suicide already. It is not going to get any better you know. "

I know she has BPD, but she also has so little compassion for her fellow humans that I think she might have ASPD sometimes. It is impossible to have both of those at the same time. right? because one is an abundance of emotions, which she has and one is an absence of feelings. She does have emos, just compassion isn't one of them.

I dont know. I have an appointment with my therapist tomorrow, but I need A to take me there. Which means one of two things. Either I am blessed enough to get a ride and have to sit through her cruel manipulations the entire time or I do not get a ride to therapy and I sit here, in much need of therapy unable to get there. Either way, her behavior gives me more pain. For her is a win-win and for me it is a lose lose.

As I do not have enough money to support a car, even if I had one here is no good way out of this. I have asked B repeatedly to help me, but she is very busy and cannot just sacrifice her life to help me all the time. She helps sometimes, but not often enough.
My son is out of state also and cannot be much helpin this area.

The strange thing is, the grandson I am raising, who is the sweetest boy ever, is A's. You would think she would want to help me to be the best I can be, so that I can give her son the best of me. I guess she doesn't really care about him either. She is just so mean.

She openly admits, in front of her children that she never bonded with them. She has told professionals intervening on behalf of the children that she should have never been a mother. She told one of them of her plans to leave the state and leave the children behind. She was going to live with some other guy she never met, but has skyped online. At least her eldest child is with me and she is no raising him. Her youngest is still in her household though and I know I cannot handle both of them. With my BPD, Depression, PTSD and fibromyalgia and arthritis I am doing all I can to care for my grandson and myself.
The only reason she is still in this state is the online guy dumped her. She is common law married and living with her "husband." Yet she is having online affairs with other men and she claims he knows about it.

He is a piece of work too. As a couple, they are a monument to mental illness.
Anyway, I am not here to put him down. Or her for that matter.

I just want to get out from under the twisted cruelty of oppression and abuse. Everytime I think I have, it comes back. I was out of it for a few years. No husband, no boyfriend, and no A. Only a few real friends and B were in my life then. But A got in trouble and needed help. She was living with some guy who was abusive to her! So she said. anyway, I answered her plea for help and paid for her to return to this area, se her up in her own place and paid her past utility bills, as well as bought her furniture and kitchen supplies, towels, toiletries, you name it, I did it for her, even though I needed that money for me. I go her out of he grips of someone who was abusing her. ONly to have her come back here to begin abusing me again.

In a way, I wish I had left her there, but if I had, my grandson would still be neglected and subject to her anger outbursts. So for his sake, I am glad I did not leave her there.
I love him so much. He is my reason for living now. It is tough to remember tha I can do some good. But I am helping him in many ways. And that gives me some worth, so I am not worthless. And if I did commit suicide, what would happen to him? A doesn't care about him or her other child. Her common law hubby would take the younger one, but this one is not his, so where would he go? I am he one who needs to be here for him. I need to find not only my cursed survival skills, but also my strength and be all I can for him.

I hate her and I hate me. I love her too, as stupid as that sounds. She has made certain she has tried everything I warned her against. The life she leads now is not one I approve. But I keep that to myself. If she asks, which she does to rub it in my nose, I tell her my thoughts and he reason for them and I stop. I know she isnt going to listen to me anyway. She will listen to God one day though. I hope it is before the judgement, but that is totally up to her.

I worry very much about my future because I would rather live on the street than with her. One of my grandchildren said she will take me in, if she can, but she is still a child, so who knows if she means that and if she will be able when the time comes. She is a sweet girl too. She is B's daughter.

Maybe I wil be like my mother and be able to take of myself until I am so sick I die. Maybe there will be no long drawn out process of death for me. Maybe God will be merciful to me and let my death be relatively quick. I want to die quickly. No have a slow process of further disability and incapacitation wher I am even more dependent on hose who abuse me.

I cannot face that. I could not do it. She would get her wish then and I would do my best to kill myself and risk an eternity in hell. I do not understand why she hates me so much. I was a much better mother to all of my children than my mother was to me.

I was angry at my mother and in my adult years, I did not love her, but I was not cruel to her and I would never want her to kill herself, and I did not want to hurt her. I did foolishly try to get her approval, but it never came. The funny thing is, my children think my mother was a "good woman." They have no idea. She had them totally fooled. I even paid for her funeral... or not. I agreed to pay for her funeral because she had told me for decades she had two whole life plans tha would cover it. Turns out that was one last laugh my mother had on me. There is now a judgement out against me for her funeral bill because she took out those insurance plans, paid on them for a few months and quite, so none of them were any good.

But my children think I cheated them out of their share of that nonexistent money.

Life sucks and then you die.