Hey, TR, it's cool to read this, I have had the very same experience. Tried to carry the feelings through in a fantasy, and...nothing. Like you said, just hit this point where the feelings just died and I had nothing to work with. It was strange, but reassuring, to know that I couldn't go there even if I wanted to. Made it a little clearer that it was about something very different from the usual attraction/crush, and allowed me to gain some perspective.

(I'm not necessarily recommending everybody try that: depending on your experiences with physical intimacy, it could be possible to try to "force" the feelings in a way that might be detrimental. Just relaying my experience and how it helped me.)

Squiggle, what you describe sounds pretty normal to me--that desire to have something in your mind to be able to recall the feelings of acceptance and connection you get with your T. I made it a point to construct a "mini T" in my mind that I could refer to when I needed to feel grounded or calmed (consisting mostly of how her eyes look when she's attuned to me). And I remember many times of wanting to scan her face, even touch her face, her eyes, her hair and mouth--very much like a baby would, when interacting with her mother. Just to memorize, to learn, to connect. The touching, of course, I could only imagine, but the visual scanning was very important and helpful to me in having an experience of safe intimacy with another person.

Don't fret too much--you're perfectly "normal," and doing what you need to do.

ETA: Thank you, Perna, that's a good article, and very relevant.