Wow, Squiggle. I could have written your posts on this thread, all of them. I just wrote a post yesterday about being so thrilled with transference...well today I am feeling the opposite and just like you...scared, wondering what is "too much," wondering if I will get hurt in the end...it's just crazy how friggin' fast it can vascillate! It can such a roller coaster, no?

I have TONS of contact with my T....especially lately while she is away. I do wonder if it's too much, does she have too much power, will she protect me or are we on a fast train to nowhere?

That is the ultimate question I think we are asking of our T's...Will You Protect me? There are so many different kinds of "protection" in therapy. Boundaries protect, words protect, hugs protect. And all these things can be hurtful, too. But the bottom line is, I think a long time ago, it didn't go so well on the protection front, you know? In whatever sense best fits your life...emotional, physical, sexual or whatever. Somewhere along the line there was a massive loss of protection and I think many of us on this board struggle with that fear in therapy all.the.time. I know I do!

However do you think there is ANY way you can talk to your T about this stuff? I still stand by my post about being thrilled that I told my T I love her, because it opened SO many doors for me to freely talk about. Last night my heart was bursting with happiness, joy, and love for her, and I told her. Tonight I am suddenly scared, pushing back, wondering if it's all "okay" or "too much" and I told her that, too. And she accepts all of it. Like, 100 freaking percent accepts it, allows it, and never, ever, EVER judges it. That is some amazing protection right there, when you think about it.

I wish that level of safety for everyone who struggles with this issue. I hope you can find that healing in your therapeutic relationship some way, some how, as well.

The battle goes on!