Ok so I am not actively suicidal anymore, had to go to the psych ward to get to this point. I was also taking effexor before and it wasn't helping so I wanted to be somewhere safe to switch to other meds to. So yeah that all went well, it was nicer than the last one I went to and even had good food. But over all life still kind of sucks.

I feel like I am going to continue getting the same kind of inconsistency from the mental health center as I've been going to(due to it being the only place I can find therapy I can afford), just as much family drama and the 100 other things on my mind. uhh I don't know I still am not handling stress well. At least re-hospitalization is an option if needed but obviously I'd like to avoid any more debt till I can get on Medicaid and SSI.

Its like I am trying and just keep running into brick walls, the meds I have now seem to help a bit with mellowing me out so my mood is more consistant but not as low. Of course then, I have to worry about if I can get refills in time and that sort of thing. I feel like I am still a total wreck and just putting on an act that I'm ok or maybe I really will be ok for a while. I don't know.

But really what do I have to show for myself...I feel like my future will be a continuation of hospitalizations, medications, therapy appointments while hoping to be supported by SSI and medicaid. Just not a lot to look forward to especially with societies attitude towards those 'no good freeloaders taking 'their' tax money to waste on useless garbage'. Feels like any way I go ends in a dead end. When I get my SSI maybe I will buy myself something nice and those people can **** off.

I feel like such a loser, and mostly don't know what to do with myself.