Thank you. I had another breakdown at work today, but nobody saw it. I was sitting there in my cubicle, and I really wanted to tell something to my former coworker/friend. I took a breath and was about to speak when I realized that he wasn't there and that he'd never be there again. I felt like I was literally drowning in sorrow. I couldn't breathe, and I started shaking and silently sobbing.

I had another breakdown when I got home, and then I just sat there staring at the wall for about an hour. Then I just couldn't stand sitting there being alone with my thoughts, so I went out to a movie. After it was over, I started thinking about what I would tell my former coworker/friend about what I thought of the movie and whether or not I'd recommend it, and I realized again that he wouldn't be there and that he'd never be there again. So I had another breakdown when I got back home.

Right now I have the AC cranking again and am drinking a couple beers and trying to forget that I ever had any hope that maybe I could find a real friend to hang out with. It was so stupid of me. The hope was just poison, and I should have known better. In my mind, I again need to put a label above every door I open that reads, "Abandon all hope, ye who enter here."

Right now, I can't stand this, and it seems like it's going to last forever. Nothing will make the pain stop. I just keep telling myself, "I've been here before, I've been here before. The body and mind will adapt. Eventually I'll go numb again". I know being numb isn't all that great either, but it's better than this. Being an emotionless robot is better than being a giant ball of pain.