Thank you guys.

My relationship with my friend is...really interesting. She has been everything to me for so long but something changed in her. I don't know what it is but there seems to be a coldness there now. I don't want to go into her story but she has every reason to be cold but I don't know why she's doing it to me. She knows about my history and current issues as she's suffered some similar herself. I still shoot her texts from time to time. I haven't seen her, in, pretty much those whole two months. She kinda just stopped talking to me, which has never happened before.

No, I don't have a pdoc. I just don't have the money. I am not in any kind of treatment because of that same reason. I do go to the online DBSA meetings every Monday night. I also have another website I got to. They're counselors and you can make appointments. It's totally free. It's just based in Singapore. So my appointments range from 9 pm -1 am. It's not ideal but it's what I have.

The reason I'm having such a hard time with my friend is I've already lost a lot of friends to various things. I lost two really really good friends to meth. Our contact became so infrequent and now they don't even check up and they're having a baby and I just want to cry. I held on so long, trying to get them back and make contact and I couldn't. I just couldn't and it was hurting me more than helping them. So, I just said that's that. If they ever want to see me again, they know where I live. Sorry to ramble. I feel like it's the right thing to do but it hurts so much to think about doing it.

The people she hangs out with and I ultimately hang out with, when I'm with her, are...interesting. There's nothing wrong with them it's just that, I have a past with alcohol and they're bar hoppers and so is she. I don't drink by myself, I don't buy alcohol but when it's there and being bought for me, I can't stop myself. And she's the type of friend who doesn't just hang out with one person, ever. There's always a group so it's really hard to avoid. That's only part of the reason. The other being I'm engaged and in love with my SO but I still legitimately love her.

And I'm rambling again. Thank you guys for listening. lol.