Hi Emma ~ It sounds like you're really struggling inside, and you need help.

I think you should talk to your doctor and have him refer you to a good therapist who can help you deal with these conflicting emotions. These are tearing you apart, and you certainly can't live like this. So talk to you doctor and let him refer you, okay? The therapist can work with you so the two of you can find a way to deal with this. I'm sure you can!

I wish you the very best. Please let us know how everything turns out, ok? God bless and take care! Hugs, Lee