Jumping in here.......when I was a music major in college, I started teaching lessons......I was piano & flute.....I didn't enjoy teaching that much but it did bring in money & it was also good for me to learn some self-confidence in learning that I could teach someone something they didn't know.....it was also good for learning to better communicate to others.

I had the desire to be in an orchestra also....grew up in California (Los Angeles)....competition was beyond my talent level......so I gave up & went into accounting & computer science.....ended up in an engineering career programming military communications systems.....while keeping my music as my hobby & played in many chamber groups & flute choirs & yes, did the church services & weddings & funerals (including my own Dad's).

Driving......interesting issue as there are some people like me who couldn't want to have my freedom which driving gave me because my mother never drove & my father was never home from work to take me anywhere......so like wasn't very good growing up without having any way to get around other than walking.....& walking to junior high & getting jumped by a rooster.....not my idea of fun. My parents loved driving out to the desert on weekends to hike around & let my dad look for his gold mine......I hated going with them so my bribery was that I would go if he would let me drive on the back roads.....so I started learning to drive when I was 13....got my license on my 16th birthday.....however my daughter on the other hand had been in a bad car accident when she was young....H ended up rolling the car & she was thrown out onto the fast lane of one of the major California freeways......even though we both worked & she had no way of getting around, her fear of driving kept her from getting her license until she was over 20 also.......It's definitely all a personal desire & I'm not even sure if she remembers that accident because she was really young.....sometimes there are things in our past....& maybe even something we saw on the TV that causes us to have a fear.

As for relationships.....I always wanted a career....I didn't want to be a housewife like my mother....as a matter of fact, I focused hard on not being anything like my parents in any way possible.....& I didn't trust any man to not leave me.....so I knew that my success in life had to be dependent on MYSELF. I didn't want to be known as "someone's wife"......I wanted to be ME. I chose to focus on my degree......& the guy I met, red flags went off about getting married & I should have listened to those red flags because I believed in making a marriage work.....gave it 33 years & finally was able to leave 6 years ago. I never had the respect for my H because of the red flags that went off before the wedding......& there was never any intimacy of any sort in the marriage even having our daughter was another huge issue in the marriage as his first comment was that I could quit college for a couple of years......that was WAR!!!!

From personal experience, one of better off without having closeness with men unless you really find the right one. I could have lived my life very nicely without ever being married....because that desire to have someone care & be close to doesn't necessarily come with marriage or even living together.

Something I did come to understand in my DBT therapy that I've spent 2 1/2 years going through.....those feelings you talk about coming & going.....that's normal....our feelings are like waves that come in & go out......we feel the emotions & then our logical mind takes over & the emotions flow out....then the whole cycle starts over again....it's normal what you are going through.....it would be NOT NORMAL if you weren't feeling the feelings you are experiencing.

But just remember one thing.....you are not a loser......everything in life takes time....& patience.....& when we end up the least bit interested is when things start to fall together. It's good to not have someone in your life who will distract you from your goals or try to change them. Yes, life is complex.....it's all a part of life....it's good that you are able to recognize your feelings & emotions....it took me years to recognize anything that wasn't anger.

Know that life can feel like we are trapped in one area of a rat maze & no other pathways will open up.....that was how I felt about my marriage situation......but new areas open up when we least expect them to.......& yes, it is all about patience. Sometimes when we are dealing with fear, it does take a bit of pushing on our part.....but the pushing needs to be done with our wise mind, not emotions.