Today has been a good day but I feel so bad right now anyway. I don't know what's wrong with me. All these thousand thought comes at the same time and I can't stand it. I can't even understand what I'm thinking. I feel like I want to hurt myself, really bad, but at the same time I really don't want to, because last time I did it was in September and I don't want to fall back to that.

I wanna become I new person. I wanna break all the bonds and just leave this life I'm living, but I really cant. There's no chance. I feel like I'm watched, all the time. I want mirrors, A lot of mirrors everywhere so I can see in every direction, but I don't want to se my own reflection. I don't thonk good about myself, I'm too fat, to big, to ugly to ever do anything I'll ever want to do. Noone could ever really love me, but I can't do that either so I guess that just makes it fair. I can't trust people. I just feel like everything in my head is my secret and noone should know. Oh god, what would they think about me?

I'm really scared. I don't really know why. Scared of everything I guess, more or less. But I'm most scared of having a panic attack in some place where people could see me. It has already happened some times, in school, and that was really terrible. I didn't know what to do, I just left the room, and then the teacher came to ask me what's wrong and I just couldn't breathe, couln't tell, couln't do anything but stand there and shake and try to breathe while my eyes got so watery I couln't see a thing. I hate this. I want to just leave everything and go away forever. I don't need any of the things I've got in my life right now, I could just leave it. Go away. Run away from here and the life I'm living. It's driving me insane, I can't do anything.

The person I loved the most is dead, and the thing I care most about is my rabbit. This is sick, my life is so worthless. I can't even talk to people, because I'm afraid to do so. I'm afraid of what they may think, may say, may do... I can't. My social life is nothing at all, and I get so lonely, but at the same time, I can't stand people

I look at the painkillers at my desk and I want to eat them, but then I remember that the pain is inside of me, in my mind, so they won't do anything. Nothing helps. All the medicines that I use to take, they never really did anything. The only time when the pain was even slightly better was when I cut, and I just don't want to do that now.

I met a therapist for a while, but then she had to quit. She offered me contact with a new therapist but I said no, only becase I don't dare to meet another new person. I'm so scared. I'm falling apart, crying. I have no idea of what to do. I just want to get out of all this, get away from it and never look back.