Am so so sorry to read what has happened. Shocking way to treat someone, it really is, and I don't think there will ever be an excuse for it.

I like Hamster's advice - now is the time for some stability. Are you able to go back to work? Be a tough first few days, but it may be what you need to keep going on the short term (not just financially). And am afraid that the only real answer is time. Time will make things better, it really does. How much time is never known, but one day you will be able to cope.

I think too that it may good to remember that this guy has proved himself to be an utter ****. Sorry to be blunt, but he is not worthy of you - if he could do this after 30 years of friendship (and start the ball rolling with the relationship) then he's turned out to be a horrible man. Please try to turn that rejection into a sense of relief - that you were spared this kind of behaviour in the future. If you had moved in with him etc, there's nothing to say that he wouldn't have done this 1, 2 or however many months or years time - or he could've turned out to be a person you didn't like being with and that could've dragged on for many years. I very much suspect this because of what he's done to you.

And I also think of keeping him secret is very noble of you - but any loyalty went out the window when he said those nasty words. If you need to talk, and think it would help, to a good friend about him, do so. You should look after yourself first, just as he is doing.

We do not have any option but to carry on. You may have to make a new life for yourself, but it doesn't have to be a horrible one.

Good luck and hugs to you.