So in the middle of the night I get a call. I forget, somehow, that actually my boyfriend does night work. Am I stupid? Yes I think so.

Why do I feel so shocked and upset at what he asked me? Why do I feel so bad that he doesn't trust me? What reason have I given for him to trust me?

He thinks I've been drinking. I have. But when he asked of course I said no. Why did he automatically assume I'd been drinking?

I can't even remember what I'm trying to say anymore.

All I know is that I feel like ****, I am not trusted, and I'm pretty useless. Because I'm a liar, I lied for as long as I remember. I lied that I was well, and it hasn't paid off. Because, really I'm dead.