I've been self harming for about 8 1/2 years now, on and off. For the past year, it's been the worst it's been in a long time. I don't usually talk about it, and stopping isn't really my concern right now. I have not seen anyone about this.

For the past 7-9 months, every now and then I'll get this feeling that's not explainable, but to me, I know it means I'm going to slip quite a bit (not just with SH, but also with my emotions). When it hits me, it's like there's this voice (but it's not really a voice?) making me want to take it one step further. It's like something in my head just keeps telling me over and over what I need to do. I told a good friend of mine who also deals with sh, and I think she thought I was a bit crazy when I told her that I think I'm suicidal, but I've never wanted to die. Those aren't my own thoughts. I never wanted to die, but when the time comes, it's all that runs through my mind.

I haven't been sleeping much. When I do, it's usually because I took a sleeping aid or it's been a few days since I actually slept, so I just pass out. I've been feeling so triggered. It's been keeping me up most nights for a few months now. Some days the thought-voice is so triggering I take something to sleep. It's safer to force sleep than to stay awake through that.

Lately, I've been seeing small shadows too. It's making me feel paranoid and nervous. The thing is though, I know they aren't real. And it's not like, an eyesight thing. I know it's in my head, I know it's not real, but I see them all the time. I occasionally have panic attacks, over the shadows, and over everything else I worry about.

I'm not really sure what's going on, and I was wondering if anyone has experienced something similar to any of this?