I don't really know how to start this. Since I was 14, I have turned into a person that I cannot stand anymore. I have become this shy, socially awkward person. Before 14, I was the most socially active person ever. I was always the first hand up in class. Everyone in my class knew me and I was friends with everybody. I felt like everything changed in one summer. This summer, my family and a bunch of other families rented a house upstate for vacation. During this vacation, I noticed my longtime friends started not hanging out with me as much. Instead, they talked to my sister the whole entire trip. My sister just turned 13 so I guess she was hitting her blossoming stage where she started caring about her looks and was becoming an attractive young girl. I felt so betrayed by my friends because they were my friends so why did they abandon me all of a sudden? I remember feeling so angry that I separated myself from them and basically ignored them for a long time. Then during the winter, all the families went on a ski trip. This time, a kid from my high school tagged along. I was talking to him and I thought we were going to be good friends until the same thing happened. When he met my sister, he left me alone and was always hanging out with her. When we got back to school, he had shown my sister’s photo to everyone and everyone kept looking at me and asking me, “What went wrong with you?” “I don’t really believe in genetics anymore.” At that time, I had moles on my face and was wearing glasses and had developed man breasts and a flabby stomach so I became extremely depressed around this time even though I never told anybody. Even my close friends were saying these things. I never invited any friends over to my house because I never wanted anyone to meet my sister.
When college came around, I thought it was the beginning of a new chapter in my life. I was living away from home and I was making new friends so nobody was going to know my sister. I had my moles removed, got rid of glasses and got contacts, went to the gym and worked out (even though I still have man boobs but I got a little more muscular and skinnier). However, I behaved scared all the time in college. I could never start a new conversation with anybody, my heart would race, I would feel extremely awkward and my words would start getting mixed up and I would feel so embarrassed like I was going to die. I developed a close group of friends who are a really great bunch of people but they sometimes say things that would send me into a depressed state for days at a time like “You have to act tougher” Or “You should pretend to be gay so you could infiltrate a bunch of girls and get us all laid.” Even talking with my friends, I would still slur my words or mix them up and feel awkward. Worst thing is when I have to talk to girls. I would never know what to say and I would feel extremely stupid all the time. During every conversation, my mind would race with things like: “What do I say next?”,”Why is he/she not making eye contact with me?”,”Does he/she like me?”. The problem is also I developed a mindset of judging everything a person does. If she glances at me, then she likes me. If she goes to talk to another person, then she doesn’t like me. If she doesn’t look at me while we are talking, she doesn’t want to talk to me. The list goes on and on. I envy anyone who can be themselves and have a carefree conversation and make jokes and not care if they are funny or not. I am the worst during interviews (over the phone or live), I never know what to say and I feel like the worst interviewee ever. I have not received an internship or job ever and I have pushed away interviews because I get so anxious about them that every day until that interview is filled with anxiety and worry.
I have also developed an obsession over my looks. If my hair is weird, then I will get depressed and will skip classes. If I get acne or if I can see my man breasts over my shirt then I will skip classes and avoid going outside. I spend way too long in front of the mirror. I buy these expensive hair and face things that never seem to work. I get depressed if I even see myself outside in the reflection of a car or something because I truly believe I am ugly and short and look like a child. Girls have been interested in me before and people always say I am cute or attractive or handsome. My family, people say, is an attractive family but I always feel like I am the ugly duckling. I am 22 years old and never kissed a girl. I also believe I have the worst body: fat (even though I’m skinny, I have a belly and man boobs), small penis, short. I haven’t taken my shirt off infront of anybody since I can remember and I make up an excuse why I never swim: because I am scared of water. I cannot even think of being in a relationship with a girl because in my mind, nobody should be with me.
I can never talk to my mom too because she tells everybody everything especially during gatherings with friends. I told her to stop doing this so I can tell her my personal feelings but she did it another time and I feel like I cannot trust her anymore even though I want to so badly.
I really don’t want to live this way anymore. I have a good life. A mom who loves me, friends who care about me, top 5% of my engineering class in college. I feel guilty for not enjoying life but life is a constant struggle for me. I am scared for my future. I am petrified to drive in a car because I am scared of confrontation if I piss someone on the road off or crash into someone. I cannot see myself getting a job because I don’t know how to talk to people. I want a girlfriend so bad but at the same time I am scared to be in a relationship with someone who will see me for all I am. I don’t know what to do anymore.