Waiting for news on a job, which I know I won't get because I never get anything good in my life. Worst case scenario, all the time. But yet I wait anxiously because deep down I'm stupidly hopeful that maybe this time will be different. And when it turns out to be just the same as every other time, I'm going to hate myself even more. Can't stop thinking about a friend who recently left me either, that if only I were better, if I weren't so worthless and horrible and despicable that she would have stayed. That if she, who knew me best and knew of my struggles couldn't stay by me, then I really must be the lowest of the low. No wonder nothing good happens in my life, why I have to struggle constantly, etc, it's my punishment for being who I am. It's to the point that I think, if only I could find a way to punish myself more, then maybe I'll have served my karmic jail time and good things will happen? Until then I have to hold onto and nurture this self-hatred so I get what I deserve. I hate living my life like this, but I feel like I can't let it go, if I do I won't "serve my time" and nothing good will come to me.