Yes, but how stupid am I for not just giving up? I know how it will turn out. I know how it always turns out. Yet I continue to hope for different and am therefore continuously disappointed. Giving up would be the smart thing to do.

I'm sorry about your job. I agree with the wish to believe I deserve good things, although most of the time it is just disbelief that others can't understand how I think I don't deserve things. They all get good and positive things, so it is easy for them to believe there is no deserving or undeserving. But when all you get is bad, then there must be a reason. the only reason is that I am undeserving. They just can't understand that.