It's been quite awhile since I have been back here. I got notice of some very cruel things he posted about me online. I'm not going to repost here nor am I going to share the changes he made to our photobucket account when it comes to images of me. Long story short, I ended up in a mental institution that day because I was a hair's breath away from shooting myself in the head. (Not the way I would have ever imagined myself to go, fyi. Too messy, too scary.. too everything) But his words, combined with so much of my own personal history and the situation at hand was just too much to handle. So i broke the lock to the gun cabinet and loaded a .38, sent him a text apologizing for being such a horrible person and the mess I as was about to make. He showed up and took the gun a split-second before I pulled the trigger.x

12 days later, out of the mental health place... still going to get a divorce.. still havent seen my kid.. but i'm also at the point where i don't think it is wise for me to try and salvage anything. i will always love him. that will never change. but right now i have to be selfish.. excuse me "self-caring" and focus on a future of being alone for the first time in my life. i'm terrified. i wont lie. but i am also drained and now just want to get through it without losing my mind again.. (or.. my life)

Thank you to all who responded though. It means so much to me to come back and see your thoughts.