Dear Friends,
I originally joined PC because after mom died I went spiraling out of control and searched far and wide for help. (i.e. falling star) I was having panic attacks, self destructive behavior, and depressed. I was glad to find a place that I could share and talk with others.
Recently there has been a change. My dad and I have been working hard deciding what should be kept, given and tossed. At first I would not let anything go. Not one bit of my mom's things could leave my site. I had a two car garage filled with memories. people kept saying that isn't her, it's stuff, but to me it was her. It was all I could hold, smell, sleep with, read, and discover of my mom. People did not know if I was ever going to come back to sanity. But it got so bad emotionally I had to quit my job and down size. It was the most difficult thing for me to do. Each time something left my hands, it felt like she died again. A memory was gone. I would remember when she wore that shirt and what we did. I remember when she read that book. I remember when she bought that or got that present. I loved remembering and I think for a while, I could only live in the world of my memories. She was still here if I could remember every moment of her life.
It took years for me to be able to face reality. I am on the final stages of cleaning out her house. My dad still lives in it, but wants everything gone. He may be getting remarried and things have to change. I am working hard sorting and moving things. Fortunately I am better at letting things go. I can be more realistic. I don't have to keep every scrap of paper she wrote on. Although I do catch myself holding on to some odd things that invoke strong memories.
The more I clean and sort, the more I am finding healing. Amazingly, mom's house is turning into a house, not a shrine that must be perfectly preserved without moving anything. As I go through I am grasping that she is not in the house, clothes, notes, or things. She is really in me and all the people she touched.
I have noticed now, things are changing. I am accepting of the fact that she is gone from me, but still with me. No matter what "stuff" I have, it is only a connector to a memory and not her. She does not die everytime I get rid of something. She is still alive in me and us, her family and friends. A house is a house, a shirt is a shirt, and paper is paper. This long journey is not over, but the changes are good and a sign of life closer to what it should be. As I change I grow and learn. This is a new change and stage in my grief. I think it is called acceptance. It has taken four years to get here. But I only move as fast as I can and always stop to smell every rose.
Thank you my friends for the support and help in my healing here on PC. You are a key to my healing and so many more. Hugs and love.

Falling Star
(that may start to rise from the ashes)