Ignore my post from yesterday. That was a moment when I had just received an email about scheduling an interview at a good hospital in the City. That's done and scheduled for next week. Now for today...or since last night...I just don't care about anything. I don't know where the H* my life is going, or what H* I should do about anything. No matter which way I go, there are drawbacks to everything. If I start this new job in August, I've learned that the insurance won't cover pre-existing for 6 months, and will does NOT cover any psych. It's only a 9-month temp2perm job, but it pays very well--at least for what I am used to. No matter where my life takes me, I will still never be able to afford a normal apartment--one with regular drywall, good windows, etc.--you know, someplace decent. A place like that around here costs $800 and up. I could never afford that unless I have a job making over $20 per hour! I have no college degree, no time or spirits to go back and try, and I have no idea what to even try to learn either. I don't know if I'd want to go back for something business related, computers, healthcare, or what? I would love to put my life on hold right now. Just give up. Wake up one day and all is wonderful and everything I could only dream of would be reality. Right now I don't care what I do to my body, if I take pills and subject myself to eating disorder rituals, or starve myself and see how long it takes to screw my body up. I just don't give a blam how I treat my body. I don't care if I lose weight. I don't care if I get to be 105 pounds. Right now I feel that maybe I'd be better off, maybe my mood would be better, maybe I'd like myself better. Maybe I could hide it from my kid's T again just like I did last time. Could make a game out of it. No, it is a game. I can leave him a voice mail, but I can't tell him everything. Even if I want to. I'm afraid to. So, I make a game out of it. It's like I see how long it takes for him to get information out of me. I've always been like that, no matter who, so it's not just him. I don't know when I'll ever get back to my old T. I'm considering it just once or more, even, though I'd have to pay the full cash price of $170. But then, there is also the matter of that release I signed for my kid's T to talk to him not long ago. I hate the idea of too many people knowing things about me. It's embarrassing, maybe, I'm not sure. I'm maybe afraid of what could happen. There are so many things to think about with this, that, and everything. I wish I could end this life by simply going to the store and buying a new micro-chip to implant in myself and make everything better. Hey, maybe I've hit on a new form of psych med therapy in the future. Discontinue pills and drugs, and everyone just get a micro-chip implanted in them. Yeah, why not. Wish it was that easy. I just hope things don't get too crazy. I don't want to have a moment of going totally nuts or emotional or something and have to call my kid's T. I'm afraid of that. If I do that, then what? I remember one time when I was still married to my ex and got really stressd from a "little" argument. I had gone out for a drive and suddenly got this visual of my car crashing into a tree. It never happened, thank God, but I parked the car shortly after and just sat there for a while afraid to drive anywhere. I was really scared. I don't want anything like that to happen again. I really wanted to call and leave my kid's T a voice mail because I was so scared to drive, but I was still too scared to call him and leave a message. I really want this end. Everything in my life. I need everything new and perfect, all the hell gone. Anybody know where I can find that? Cya.