I've been seeing a therapist since the beginning of September and on Wellbutrin for a month short of that time. It's hard to describe how I feel now, at times it seems like the clouds part and I am happy for awhile. And not the happy on the surface, crrying inside that I've been so used to all my life. But that isn't all the time, mostly I'm kind of empty now. I still get some of the lows but not as bad and it doesn't seem to last as long. But the rest of the time, it's like I don't know how to 'be'. I've always been so down on myself all the time, if that lifts for a bit, there isn't much left. If that makes any sense.

I still feel like it's a fight every day to try to think in different ways. It feels like a game or an act, like I just say that stuff to myself because I know I should think that. Not because I do think that way now all the time. I still am really shy about talking about this stuff with most folks because I don't want to be 'that friend', the one with all the issues that's a pain to be around. But I don't always feel like putting on the face either. So then I tend to hide, which makes me feel like a loser and starts the whole thing over again.

I think the meds have made a difference. It still feel like its a crutch but one I needed to have at this point. I just don't know what to do with myself when I don't feel like crap all the time. So empty is the best way I can describe this place I'm in right now. Right now I'm fighting with the thought that it's not really worth it to try and feel better. All my life I've never been able to change anything, why should this time be any different? Surely I'm not the waste of a human that I've always thought. And now that I do know how my old habits make the mental spins worse, it makes it feel worse that I can't get them to stop sometimes.

So nuff rambling for this morning. I don't know what I'm asking really. Just is this a place that anyone else has been and does it ever feel like the depression goes away? It never has for me before, I want to be hopeful that I can feel better consistently but I still don't know if that can be.