I think you need to seek professional help. You're in a complicated mental position and need a well informed person to help you sort out your thoughts. You may need some medication also just to help you get in control. I've never experienced what you describe but I think I'd be kind of frightened.
I'm curious why you aren't interested in stopping SH? Is it that much relief? What if you could find something just a helpful? Would you be interested then?
I hope you seek help very soon.
Good luck