Hi people. For those of you that don't know I have been married to an abusive narcissist for the last 25 years. We have two children 19 and 14 which are both still fully dependent. I also have my aged mum living with us. Our relationship is not good. I have been on an emotional roller coaster for many years but it really has come to a head since my awakening about what he is and the conscious acknowledgement that he is verbally and emotionally abusive. As a result of his narcissistic personality disorder he has completely eroded my self confidence/esteem and filled me with fear, confusion, shame, etc. Although I know that our relationship is a pathetic union and I really want out I find that there is a paralyzing fear and angst which holds me back. My world as I know it is fully embedded and dependent on his, which is how and why he has managed to keep me in this relationship for so long. He is the foundation of my life. I have a lot of work to do to in my healing journey to build my self back up again but I feel that there is a limit to how much I can heal as long as I am with him and subjected to his psychological control and abuse.

When thinking about separating and divorce I try to weigh up everything and I want to act intelligently and rationally. I realize that the major hesitancy I have in leaving is due to our finances. I know this might sound cold, mercenary and calculating but it is something I consider since the welfare of my children and my mum is very important to me. Due to his financial irresponsibility as a result of being a narcissistic show off and also due to the GFC we are heavily in debt. I know this may shock some of you but the sum total of what he (and me by way of being his partner) owes is around $2.5million!!!! He earns really good money (around $800,000 pa) but our outgoings are enormous as well and our cash flow is bad. We have been under enormous financial stress since the GFC when he lost over $2mil on the share market. This was the equity that we had which backed the borrowings. We are holding our head above water financially, but the last 4 years has seen us treading water and sometimes having to go under. This financial stress has also caused an increase in his narcissistic nastiness since it goes against all a narc stands for. Remember they are never wrong, superior in all respects, live to show off, etc. My mum also sold her house to help us out and now she also has nothing and is dependent on us. This only adds to the complexity of the situation.

My life at the moment from a material/provider perspective is good. Nice home, food, good schooling and university for the kids, mum is well looked after, etc despite the debt. He also has a life insurance of $3m as a safety net which, in the event that he dies, will pay off all our debts and leave me with enough money to survive comfortably. Spiritually and psychologically however it is bad as there is no love and continual abuse and I am struggling.

Herein lies my dilemma. If we separate he has already told me that he will support me and the kids to a bare minimum but that all debts will be split 50/50 and he will give up his life insurance. Since there is no property to squabble over I would be forced to rent and will have no assets at all. My earning capacity is minimal compared to his and besides there is no guarantee that I could find work since I have not worked for 15 years. Additionally, he claims that if we separate he will cut down how much he works thereby reducing his income because he will only be responsible for half of the debt and he intends using his money to live life to the fullest and enjoy his life. In short, my life post separation/divorce would be crap and very, very difficult. There is no way I could repay the loans/debt in my lifetime and if he should die or fall sick or whatever then all support would cease leaving me to fend for myself and face bankruptcy.

Many of my friends advise me to think carefully about separating and to not act foolishly and consider the ramifications and it's effects on the children and my mum. They suggest that I stay and not cut my nose off to spite my face. This is exactly the mind torturing predicament I am in. Do I forsake my happiness and mental well being for the good of the family or do I put myself first and then deal with the fallout?? Opinions sought please.