Quote:
Originally Posted by elliemay
Wow! Just wow. I'm several years out from my Ph.D. During those years the newness of my PhD wore off, and a strong sense of "you know, I know a lot, but it's not enough" has taken hold.
Another thing I have definitely learned is that we judge cheese by its quality and not people.
Perhaps a little humility and wisdom is in order here. We definitely get to pick who we share our lives with, but it is not appropriate, in my opinion, to rank people according to what we define as quality. In fact, it is a luxury afforded to very few, and, even then, it is misplaced.
We do not have complete information on anyone, IF we did, then their behavior would likely make perfect sense. The judgement and righteous indignation (which only hurt us) falls away.
Persons in small towns may be different from you, but I can promise you that there are more similarities than differences.
People the world over are all just trying to survive, find some kind of peace and happiness, and make it to the next day.
We are all in this together. The LAST thing we need to do is judge each other.
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elliemay, I think you are misunderstanding what I wrote. The message you're quoting was in direct response to this comment, from blur.
Quote:
Originally Posted by blur
i do think you would be much better off holding out for better quality friends. you describe some of your friends as addicts, alcoholics, cheaters, liars, etc. who needs that in their life?! i know you want lesbian friends but these people aren't treating each other or you right. i think waiting for the quality ones and facing or accepting your loneliness/identity issues would be a much healthier approach.
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What I understood from blur was that s/he was suggesting that I seem to have too many friends who treat me poorly, and I should work on finding some friends who will treat me well. So, when I used the term "quality" in reference to my friends, I was referring to the quality of the friendship and the way they treat me-- I was not judging them as people in their own right. I was saying that the majority of my friends DO treat me well-- I have formed quality friendships with the people I've met through work and the social and volunteer organizations I belong to. However, the friendships I formed by going out in the lesbian community in my new city have not been of the same quality. In these friendships, I have been lied to, I have been flaked on, and my boundaries have been violated-- to me, these are not quality friendships, and I do not want to remain friends with these people. I think that is a healthy choice. I'm not saying that these friends are "bad" people, I'm saying that they are not able to be good friends to me right now.
I also was not making any blanket statements about small towns. I obviously have found quality friendships with people at work and in my social groups, all of whom live, and many of whom are from, the same small town. What I was explaining is that the reason I think I haven't made a lot of quality friendships with other lesbian women here is because it is such a small town, with such a small lesbian community. It is much easier to meet a variety of lesbian women in larger, metropolitan cities with an LGBT center, LGBT theatre companies, LGBT social groups, etc. That would make it easier to meet women who share my interests (volunteer work, theatre) and therefore have more in common with me. The women I have met by going out to the lesbian bars here have had very little in common with me, drink a lot, and have not treated me very we;l. I think I have every right to say that those have not been quality friendships for me.