I'm sorry. It sounds like you really are in the grips of depression. I wish there is something I could say to make you feel better. But please know you aren't alone. It's so tempting to get pulled in and not want to do anything about it.

Fight it Hun. Maybe you can talk to someone? I know you won't agree or understand this now, but it will get better. And when you come out of this. You'll be able to look back and be proud. Hang in there hun