Quote:
Originally Posted by riotgrrrl
You can't make him do anything, and yes, while it may be useful to keep the peace but your mum has made it clear that she doesn't like him so it may be useful to remember that. Please do not hold it against him - I know you resented him for the whole thing when in reality, your mum is at fault too - if not more so. She could've still had a relationship with you, while refusing to see your husband. The issue with his children is point scoring - it was your choice to take him on with kids etc, and do what you do for them just as it's his choice not to go to your mums, even though it seems unfair.
Can you not go alone if it means so much to you? Perhaps your husband will wait in the car around the block or something for you? Although he doesn't support you in going to meet your mum, perhaps he can be a support for you afterwards, esp if you do not hear what you want to hear from you mum.
Good luck.....
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Ys I agree I can't make him do anything. It's just really hurtful that I have so much understanding because of how much I care for him about his past life. Yes it is true that I knew going into this marriage years ago that his kids came with him. You have to understand that I had them when they were five and 9. My husband was divorced for four years before I even met him. The children were great, yes there were some small issues I observed with them and their dad but nothing out of the norm. Since we got married their mother has poisoned them against us. She basically tells them to do bad things things while they spend time with us so that my husband and I argue. When I found out about that years ago, I knew it was going to be a difficult lifestyle for us because they are very close with their mom. Their mom hates my husband so much that she has told the children lies about him so that they resent him even more. Then she started telling lies about me, when in reality I have never said one word to her. I don't know her, and I thought it would be better for the children going into this that everything should be handled by my husband with the ex so that the kids have a healthy relationship with me.
Unfortunately, as time went on, things got worse. Sure, I spent time researching how to deal with these issues and help the children nothing seemed to work. No matter what I planned for the children or what I did seemed to help. I have taken care of those children as if they were my own. Stayed up late with them while they were sick, took them to the doctor, handled their teachers, had them participate in school functions, you name it i did it because I wanted to give them a normal life with their dad and us. But they still hate us. They are now almost 17 and 13. The things they have done and lied about really hurts. The older son told me flat out when he was 10 that he would go in front of the judge and lie and say my husband hits him so he could live with his mom and that his mom will tell him what else to say to the judge. I almost freaked out then. I remained calm and took a few breaths and then told him that if he ever wanted to live with his mom full time the is no need to lie , and that I'm sure we all could work something out. I then went into my closet and screamed in a towel.
Oh please I can tell you so much of what has gone on. I don't like the children walking on us and treating us badly. They only come to us for money or if they need new clothes shoes, whatever. When they come in our house they stay in their rooms and don't say a word to us. I call them in for meals and they don't say anything. When they come home from school they don't say hello they just go in their rooms. I have tried countless times to talk to them, and I get blank stares. If my two children ever disrespected us or anyone else for that matter they would be told that its unacceptable. My husband agrees its horrible but doesn't say anything to them. Just a few weeks ago the 13 year old put a hole in our bathroom wall and my husband didn't do a thing. I couldn't believe it.
The children think its funny if I see them out driving with their mom to give me the middle finger. That was done more than once to me.
The mother is crazy as well. She has called up and left horrible messages about me and have harassed us left and right. She has told my husband that she puts the old clothes on the kids when they come to us because she knows we will throw them out and snd them back to her with new clothes. I mean who does this? She had another child with her 15 year younger boyfriend several years ago. I thought things would be better but there not.
I could write a book. Anyway, that is a whole other part of my life. It's just hard to deal with and I feel that my husband should have the same compassion for me as I do for him. I have a lot of understanding and I wish he had the same for me. Yes I couldn't agree more that my mother is also at fault but I never would have done that to his mother. It's very painful to me. Yes I can go alone however, I feel that we all need to work things out. It is my only wish. I have never asked for anything going into this marriage nor have I ever made demands. I have been unhealthy for a while and I am scared that th eis. Chance I don't make it through this birth. I just want peace before I have the baby. I want to feel at peace. This is all I ask. What is so wrong with that?