My T always gives me advice for handling my emotions but I never do them. I rarely entertain doing anything that will benefit me or help me. I think all of the "coping skills" (hate that phrase) she and other Ts talk about are lame.

Maybe I subconsciously don't want to get better. Maybe the idea of not being lonely inside all the time or unhappy scares me because it's all I've ever known. I feel like being deeply miserable is part of my identity. I'm scared of stopping my SH because a part of me feels like if I'm not negatively affected every day by what my abusers did to me, then everything that happened is both okay and wholly unimportant.

I hate myself for being so stubborn. I feel like I'm wasting my T's time and affections.