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Originally Posted by Early human
May I respectfully say that your comment appears to be based on a complete, and reckless disregard for the facts. For instance my question was not about her motives for the hugs
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You specifically asked:
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Originally Posted by Early human
does she know the effects the feel of her breasts have on me????
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My answer was that no, I do not think she had any idea what effect the hugs, or her breasts, would have on you. I was answering one of the many questions you posed. I brought up gender differences because I think it is worth noting that most women, in general, do not typically think about these things (their breasts/eroticism) while hugging. Hugs are usually thought of as comforting, supportive, and reassuring. That is why I was making the argument that I think your blame seems to be misplaced. You are blaming everything on the hugs and, in my opinion, the hugs were not "unethical," nor were they the cause of the rupture/termination. The erotic transference existed before the hugs; the termination happened because she didn't know how to manage the erotic transference. The hugs were not the cause of either of these.
You say that you were not aggressive, but I was going off of what you said here:
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Originally Posted by Early human
I wrote her 3 three letters that must have been very hurtful. The 1st telling her outright about my transference, 2nd expressing my resentment of her dumping me with out talking through it. In the 3rd letter I angrily fixed the blame on her for hugging me and other things she did (naively) without catching my cues that I was smitten by her. That must have been hurtful and the cause of the anger that she expressed the last time we spoke (over the Tele).
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Early human
I regret the way I handled telling her, because I think that I humiliated her.
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It sounds to me like you were angry and you blamed her for hugging you, and you told her that she caused your transference. I was suggesting that, perhaps, you could have approached her in a different manner, without the anger/blame. A T cannot "cause" you to have erotic transference. You also say that the transference was there before the hugs, the hugs merely added to it.
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Originally Posted by Early human
existing transference not withstanding, she should not have hugged me and I am now the worse off for it. She's the pro, she did something that was harmful to me and she shouldn't have risked doing so by hugging me especially in that way.
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I realize that you have already made your mind up about the hugs and about blaming her for the hugs. I simply disagree that she "should have known" that the hugs would be harmful for you. Since you didn't tell her about the hugs when they started, she had no way of knowing. Should she have picked up on the transference-- yes. But the hugs? I don't think that was obvious. You also say:
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Originally Posted by Early human
To be fair to her, if she asked me if I would be comfortable hugging her I would have said yes. By the time the hugs began I already thought that I loved her.
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So, if she had asked you (which I do think she probably should have), it seems that would not have helped because you would have told her that you liked the hugs.
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Originally Posted by Early human
I wonder how you are able to determine that I was aggressive while she seemed to get a kick out of it... Your saying that I was aggressive in my comments is ill informed, judge-mental. She seemed to relish in my flirtatious comments.
It was not me to have learned a lesson from the ordeal; she's the pro and she had all the power in that environment
The judgmental and critical tone in your comment hints of an agenda that is uncalled for and shows a lack of understanding
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First of all, your tone towards me (and other posters) shows a bit of anger. I'm guessing that came out with your T as well during the transference/termination conversations. I think it's normal to feel angry, but when you're trying to work through something difficult, responding with anger is not always conducive to resolution.
Anyway, the comments that i interpreted as "sexually aggressive" are the ones you used below. In your posts, in general, you talk a LOT about her breasts-- if you talked about her breasts TO her in your letter or in your conversation, using this kind of language/description, I think that can be interpreted as sexually aggressive. I'm imagining that in the letter you reference, about how you interpreted your hugs, that you mentioned all of these incidents, similar to how you did in your posts. If that is true, I think that is somewhat sexually aggressive. But perhaps I only think you mentioned these things, and you didn't?
You also say that she "got a kick out of" your sexual comments to her, and that she "relished the flirtation." I think for her to get a kick out of or relish your comments, they had to be sexually charged. Did she like that? Maybe at the time she did! Or, maybe she was naive and they flew over her head. I don't know. But, apparently, there was something in your letters that she didn't respond well to. What was it? I don't know. I thought it might be the way you described the hugs (talking about her breasts) and how you blamed her for inciting sexual feelings in you, when she should have known better. I think that kind of an accusation can come off as aggressive.
But, like I said from the beginning, I think YOUR T HANDLED IT BADLY. She should not have terminated you for your disclosure. She should have worked through the transference with you. So, I AM SORRY YOU ARE GOING THROUGH THIS SITUATION. I really do hope that your new T can help you recover from this painful process.
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Originally Posted by Early human
in light of my erotic transference of her the hugs did elicit sexual feelings. The hugs caused me to feel both of her breasts pressing tightly against my torso. I would then be distracted between sessions, wondering why she hugged me like that, does she know the effects the feel of her breasts have on me???? Throughout the sessions I wanted to stop talking and make out with her and kiss her breasts.
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Originally Posted by Early human
I finally decided that I either wanted to 'make out' with my T through out our sessions (which she would not do of course) or I wanted her to stop hugging me.
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Originally Posted by Early human
My not being a trained therapist the risks involved in such hugging were unknown to me so I am not certain that I had the capacity to actually consent when she started the on going hugs. Just as a minor may acquiesce to sex with an adult he or she doesn't have the capacity to consent.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Early human
I told her she was my 'goddess' which I meant in a figurative sense. I commented on her beauty, I told her I wanted to kiss her... I believe she hates me because she is very embarrassed that I am attributing my transference 'train wreck' to the hugs. She feels that I betrayed her in that the hugs were well intentioned. My problem is that I liked them too much. She had no clue until it became a crisis for me; then she angrily 'dumped' me!
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FINAL NOTE:
I know what it's like to have transference for a T, so I actually can relate to some of your feelings. I had those feelings for my ex-T, and she gave me full hugs. For me, they were not a problem. It's different for everyone. Unlike you, I didn't have the courage to tell her about my transference. I was thinking about telling her-- but then I found out she was leaving (switching jobs) in 2 weeks! When she left, she referred me to a new T, and I told my new T about the transference for my old T, and I resolved my feelings about it with my new T. I hope that you can do the same with your new T. There really can be a rainbow at the end of this journey.