Quote:
Originally Posted by growlithing
My T always gives me advice for handling my emotions but I never do them. I rarely entertain doing anything that will benefit me or help me. I think all of the "coping skills" (hate that phrase) she and other Ts talk about are lame.
Maybe I subconsciously don't want to get better. Maybe the idea of not being lonely inside all the time or unhappy scares me because it's all I've ever known. I feel like being deeply miserable is part of my identity. I'm scared of stopping my SH because a part of me feels like if I'm not negatively affected every day by what my abusers did to me, then everything that happened is both okay and wholly unimportant.
I hate myself for being so stubborn. I feel like I'm wasting my T's time and affections.
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Change is scary, but right now you have your "identity" defined as someone who is "lonely", "deeply miserable", self-harming, abused, etc., and you seem to be desperately holding on to that "identity". I get that. Been there; done that; have the t-shirt.
Change will come when you are ready to let go of that "identity" and really figure out who you are. Your abuse and resulting misery does not have to be all who you are. Hopefully some day it will be very little of who you define yourself to be and more just a chapter in your history, but that takes LOTS of time and patience and incredibly difficult and often scary work to get there.
It starts with a decision to make tough changes though. Where do you want to be? Where you are right now, or in a different "place"? That is where you start.