The minute I fully realized that getting better was up to me and only me, was the moment I got stuck in therapy; I still am. I kept telling my T that 'I want to want to get better' and that I am afraid that I don't truly want to get better. I am terrified of change; I cannot imagine myself feeling good. My intellectual part cannot cooperate with my emotional part and this is my everyday struggle. I always thought that getting better would mean killing my current self (even when I lost all the extra weight I had gained due to depression, I panicked because I felt like I was literally taking away a part of me along with the weight). I truly believed (and still do in a way) that no one will care for me if I am happy and content; I visualize my getting better like small pixels of myself falling apart and waiting to be replaced with what? I still do not know how to conceptualize change and with what to 'fill' my new 'self'. My T says that I've come to a point where it is also a matter of choice: either I will chose to overcome depression or I won't. And this is the scariest thing I ever had to hear. I can identify with everything you have written and wish I could offer some sort of wise words!