Thanks for your sensible, objective comments. You are fundamentally saying what my close friends have said. When I say confused I mean it in a broader context e.g. will I go, will I stay. I am very reactive to the narcs behavior. Some days I am so down and despairing, other days not too bad. He instills confusion in me as well thanks to his sophisticated gaslighting tactics which make me question my own sanity. Other than that I am mentally well and strong with the exception of some anxiety, phobias, etc. My self esteem waxes and wanes as well, again very much in response to current situations. Naturally the N has the ability to make me hate myself and my life and his continual put downs definitely cast doubts in my own mind about my own perceptions, intelligence and abilities. I have developed some very sophisticated subconscious psychological defense mechanisms over the years which have protected me from the narcissistic abuse. Emotional detachment being one, cognitive dissonance, etc. I am also in therapy trying to overcome some of these problems and trying to find my true self. I often wonder how much I can heal if I remain in the situation or if I would deteriorate when out of the situation due to all the other stresses? Hence - confused yet again. Answering your first question about do I think he would be more likely to die or fall ill if we divorce. Answer is yes probably as a result of the increased stress in his life - don't forget he would be losing his main narc supply. I often wonder as well whether my "with it", rational approach is just another way of covering up my fear and justifying why I remain in the relationship. Anyway thanks for the reply x