My Support Forums - View Single Post - Sex is blahh, why want my brain let it be good?

Douglas MacNeill · Jul 07, 2013 at 08:41 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Big Mama

I am having issues w/ sex after rape. I have been working w/ the T some on this and I just don't get it and I am not so sure she does to. I also put this in survivors of abuse to, because I am not real sure where it goes. Here is what is going on:

I am so confused when it comes to sex. I don't know what to feel. I don't even know if I know how to feel. When my H and I have sex my body cooperates and it is as if my brain and my body are in a battle to make sure my brain wins and sex sucks. I stand there like a knot and I don;t know what to do when my H touches me. Where do my hands go, what am I supposed to do. I can feel the beginnings of pleasant sensations, but then it is like my brain says "no, no don't go there." My body says yes do, it is ok. My brain says no don't. As things progress and we move into greater intimate things my body enjoys for a minute and then it is like an alarm goes off and says stop. Then I can't enjoy the process that is about to unfold because I am to busy telling my brain but it is OK, it is good. I want this to happen. Nothing pleasurable happens and I have to tell my H to stop what ever he is trying to do to help things along because it just ain't workin. The harder I try the more of a failure it appears to be. Then we end up having sex that has no sensations and very little meaning.

Does this happen to anyone else, or do you have any idea what I can do to combat that. It has given me performance anxiety to boot. If things don't happen to me then my H feels bad. If we have to much preplaning then I start to freak out sometimes. If we waited for me to be forward and want to do it, it would be a very long wait for my H.

I want to like it I do. I get that it is important to my H and to men in general to have sex and feel loved and that confirms ones love for them. Though us ladies have to have confirmation first and sex next.

I know that details are missing about exactly what kind of sexual things are taking place. I can fill in those blanks. But some time to much info is not really helpful.

A question for you, Big Mama: Do you show signs of boredom elsewhere in your life?

My reason for asking this is that there's a psychology professor at the U of Waterloo named James Danckert. His particular research interest happens to be the psychology of boredom, and his research on this topic is getting considerable media attention over the last 12 months or so.
Danckert's mirror-world counterpart would probably be Mihaly Czikszentmihalyi from the University of Chicago; Mihaly is best known for Flow: The Psychology of Optimal Experience.
Danckert's idea is that boredom is a positive state of psychological distress even more than a negative state of disengagement from this world. Indeed, there's more than one kind: apathetic boredom, but also agitated boredom.