It's nearly 3.30am here in the UK.. and had another row. I can't sleep while he sleeps peacefully as too cross.

So we've just had another row about house keeping & the way he treats me. I do all of it - all the cleaning, cooking, washing, shopping as I have much more time on my hands. All I ask of him is to pick up his own mess - ie, a soda can he's just finished with, to put it in the bin (which is next to the sofa!!) rather than keep leaving it on the sofa for the last bits to spill on, to pick up his clothes, any rubbish he creates to put in the bin, put diy tools away when he's finished a job (we together are doing up a small Victorian house). You get the picture.

I am not a sickly sweet person, and will not keep asking nicely for something I shouldn't even have to ask for if it get's me nowhere and I also refuse to clean up after him - he's 48, not 8. After years of this, me reminding politely to put things in the bin, making jokes about tying a bin under his nose etc, I am now at the stage where I ask nicely once, then I am very short. All I get is sarcasm. Sarcasm and more sarcasm. Then another row erupts. I have just been told that I am controlling his life, that I am a bully, that I am not happy unless he is doing what I want. All for asking him to clean up his mess for goodness sake! That made me see red - and he complained about my response that I just got mad. Yes, I shouldn't lose my rag, but being told that am a bully or controlling just because I asked him to clear away his own rubbish just made me lose it. Told him that I am his partner, not his mother and quite frankly that hurt that he blames me for everything and that he is the perpetual victim. Now I am no Sherlock Holmes, but surely the easiest way to stop me 'bullying' is to simply pick up after himself like any adult should?

Thing is, I know tomorrow will bring another conversation where we apologise to each other, say's he's wrong with his behaviour then he asks me to remind him to do stuff because of his (I suspect selective) bad memory, and yet I know when I do, I will just get the sarcasm once again because he thinks I am trying to rule his life. Classed as a no-win situation? It's been happening for the last few years. It would be a lot easier to forgive, but he's getting sullen, withdrawn but I guess he would be if he thinks I am a bully. Doesn't listen to me - I can say something and he doesn't hear a word of it - and the only thing he is really happy about is his punk music and bands, comedy or something fun - then he is animated, happy, and chats no end so I don't think he's really that depressed. - oh, and doesn't forget a thing when it's something that interests him either!

When I do make light conversation about his day, or whatever, I get short answers, both in length and temperament. I've helped him out with some huge issues in his life, and I used to do a lot for him to make him smile too, a little thoughtful thing or something to make his life easier and those started to get no response so I have slowed those down. What's the point putting myself out for no enjoyment of being thanked and seeing someone happy? It sapped every ounce of fun out of it.

I am feeling wrong footed all the time now - if I talk to him he is unresponsive or defensive, I don't feel loved or even liked with the vicious sarcasm and he certainly gives me no consideration. He of course, denies all this and says he loves me - but I find it hard to believe. Any other situation like this I would take his attitude towards me as someone who's not into me anymore but too afraid to face up to it - I nearly left last year and he was very upset which seemed genuine and I stayed. He wasn't like this for the first few years, but it seems to be getting worse. He had cognitive therapy last year because of self-esteem issues all his life, which he loved and gave him a real boost, (wonderful to see a spring in his step!) but it seems that he's forgotten all of that now. If I remind him of something he said about his therapy, he now denies it and walks away.

What do you think? Housekeeping is an issue, but I really think there is much more underneath. Mainly that he doesn't want me, but as always in his life, he doesn't like change, apathetic or is in denial.

Sorry this is a ramble, I got carried away.