The point is that the simplest solution to housekeeping wars is to hire a housekeeper.

So what I recommend you do is this:

- tell him that you feel resentful having to do more than your fair share

- tell him that you love him and want the relationship to work, and thus want to nip that resentment in the bud (which is not entirely correct given that it has lasted for years, but just for the sake of a figure of speech)

- tell him that you want more free time for yourself and that you won't tell him to pick up his stuff but you do want to outsource some of housekeeping so that you get time for yourself; of course we all know that he is WRONG when he says that your telling him to pick up his stuff is controlling, but still... promise him that you will stop...

- see what he says.

Even if it does not get you anywhere because you cannot afford outsourcing, it would still be a helpful conversation, because in the course of that conversation, you will, essentially, remind him that your services have value. They are not free. He is free-riding. Well, he is a big boy and should not be free-riding on you.